A sad thing

by look i have opinions

People keep finding this blog by searching for [name of excellent short story] + theme.

I imagine all those people are taking English classes in which the main thing they are learning is that short stories are boring.

I remember spending a large part of elementary school being forced to read excellent books that I slowly, inevitably came to loathe. Our reading assignments were too short for me (and probably too long for others). The discussion topics were usually painfully boring or abstract.

The idea that some people continue to be forced to read excellent things when they’re old enough to write essays about “themes” is just hard for me to deal with.

On the plus side, I have an idea for eliminating children’s bad eating habits (credit due partly to Grace Llewellyn). The schools would go to every major junk food company and request sponsorship for special mandatory nutritional classes held twice a day. For each class, the students would be forced to consume a fixed amount of (for example) Pepsi, pizza, Big Macs, Twinkies, Sun Chips, Doritos, Oreos, chocolate chip cookies, nachos, hot dogs, Slurpees, Big Gulps, Snickers, Cheetos, milkshakes, onion rings, Lucky Charms, and Cheez-Its. They would be required to eat everything at a set time and in a set amount of time. Slow eaters would be sent to remedial eating classes and possibly prescribed appetite stimulants; fast eaters would be put in an advanced class where they would never see their friends. There would be quizzes, guided discussions, take-home snacks, tests, and oral reports. Results: predictable.

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